reluctant atheism

Like any thinking individual, I have questioned my faith countless times. I used to think that my atheist friends held their beliefs because they had religion crammed down their throats from an early age. Also, we're surrounded by plenty of examples of assholes who use religion as a way to line their pockets or manipulate weak minded people. Every church seems to have its clique of judgemental busybodies who treat the congregation like their private country club as well. These seemed like trivial reasons to let go of belief in a supreme being who loves us and wants us to be happy.
I have begun to embrace atheism gradually and reluctantly. I say reluctantly because, unlike so many of my friends, I had to seek out church and make every effort to get my family to take it seriously. By the time of my first communion, my family had pretty much stopped going. Even until recently, when my father was dying of cancer, he really did not want to see a priest at all. He had no desire to participate in any sacraments. It saddens me deeply to finally understand that god is a human construct. I am an adept historian, so intellectually, I understand where monotheism started and some of the underlying reasons why it took such a firm hold. I understand science so I can accept the fact that my religious tradition is full of factual mistakes and inaccurate assertions about the origins of life on the planet and the nature of matter.
But still, it's a deep wound that oher atheists don't seem to feel. I sincerely want there to be some shape in the void, some intelligence. I truly want to think that my children have a spark of the divine and that the evil will be punished and the good will be rewarded in some afterlife. I feel a profound need to be loved unconditionally by some invisible superhero who really understands me and appreciates all the good things I am capable of. I want to be embraced in the midst of my plight and reassured in some way.I am diminished by the unavoidable truth that my death is the end of it all and probably after I have suffered and been to some extent abandoned by the living. I wish I could wish god into existence, but it ain't gonna happen, and I am bummed.